Good morning :)
I hope you don't mind me re-hashing what most of you have already been over for the sake of my catching up a bit. I spent this morning firstly dragging myself out of bed to make the coffee, husband's lunch and see said husband off to work, then secondly arranging myself in a quiet patch of sunlight at our kitchen table to sit and just be held by God's words. I remember Paula said "I stand weak and wanting at Jesus' feet this morning" and I am in a similar place too.
"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins, and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.
My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says 'I know him', but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. That is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."
I read and re-read these 9 verses this morning, urging every ounce of meaning out of them that my frail heart needs so badly. I inwardly prayed for forgiveness and understanding from our Defender, pleading that he would open my eyes to know what to do and think next. I wrote out my worksheets like homework and still, the inside-praying continued. I grasped for any bit of change God would bring to my shaky, wanting heart. I want emboldened truth to replace all the lies and pride and vacillating feelings.
I am seeing how full-to-the-brim these 9 verses are with equal amounts of evidence that we have sinned, boundlessly and will again - but Christ has grace, glorious boundless grace for those yearning - aching - for more faith. There simply are times when our faith seems toned and strong...and times when it appears to be as small as that mustard seed Jesus spoke of. What good am I with faith so small? we wonder. we question our purpose. we, in bewilderment, ask God how we can serve him with such a messed-up life? It all looks wrong sometimes, but I believe God's love and grace is blindingly the more beautiful then, we find in time he is sufficient for us. After all we are from dust, and he knows that. That is why he planned to send Christ. He knew he would find his faithful on occasion in a heap of despair and questions and apathy. He even planned THEN how he would help us in these times NOW.
This is no excuse, or cause for pity. I am just beginning to see again, and be astoundingly full of gratitude, that he rescues my heart again. In this awful-beautiful cycle we run in, of sin and confession, of trying and failing, of time as the prodigal and time as the daughter of a King...he loves us. Of course, he wants us always close and always obediently his. But he knew this would not be the case - and glory be to God for his plan of salvation for us needy mankind!!
I am praying today for the strength to stay His, to know Him better and how to better obey him. And I am praying for greater gratitude for his endless, somehow so patient, grace.
Love to you girls,
Thank you for enduring my transparency. :)
~Cait
Writing this post reminded me of this video I posted last year. Not too ironic it's appropriate again...?:)
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